Letter to Family

hey everyone,

very first, i want to apologize for my email last week. mom said something like, "i couldnt believe that was my daughter on the other end." but guess what, it wasnt really. i had had probably the worst week of my mission up to that point, and my inbox was full of several people telling me to just lose myself in the work, and they have no idea how badly i wanted to do that and how much my body couldnt. i was at a very emotional high point when i wrote that email. i want you to know my mission has been a good experience so far, even tho it hasnt been easy. i am sorry for only seeing the negative in this time and on this day, i feel really bad to have given you guys a glimpse into the worst of me. but luckily i have a very loving family who understands.

hermana evans told me she called you guys haha. i am grateful, because that wretched email had been on my mind the whole week. so im glad you guys know i was doing okay.

something happened monday. i had a panic attack during cyber, and had another one that morning, and then, i just felt my tears stop, and my companion asked me "are you okay, what happened" and i just said, "you know, i could cry, i could explain to you how i feel, but thats not how i want to use my time right now." and my tears just... dried. and ever since that day, i have felt incredible. my counselor told me it would take 20 days for my medication to start working, its now been 26, and i feel amazing. this was the BEST week of my entire mission. i dont know if i say that just because the last change has been the worst 6 weeks like of my life, or because it was really an incredible week, but you guys, heavenly father SAVED ME. i had only asked mom about signing me up for classes and considered coming home because i literally couldnt take care of myself anymore. i didnt want to eat, stand, smile, read my scriptures, pray, all i could do was lay there. and thats not fair to my companions or my mission president. so thats why i was gonna come home. but you guys, heavenly father is SAVING ME. slash drugs too. this week, i worked all day every day!!!!!!! and i LIKED IT!!!!!! i didnt talk at all the first two days to anyone, but i did a contact completely by myself on sunday!!!! i felt your prayers, your fasts, the fasts of my zone and of my companion, and i could literally feel angels lifting me. we call december the month of miracles here in the mission, because we want to find 100 converts, but i prayed that i could be a part of the month of miracles. and you guys its happening!!!! i think im really going to get to stay!!! and i think im going to love it!!! i know it wont be the best week every week, or the best day every day, but i think its going to be possible now.

i have no idea why everything flipped, but i have never felt more grateful. EVER. this hermana leader saved my life. her name is hermana moya. mom will you send her an email thanking her for helping me!!! catalina.moya also jane.bulaqui my old companion. shes really sensitive and i think shes sad i couldnt be with her the last week of the change, but it was for the best. you should just thank them for everything they did for me. i thank them to obviously but an email from you will make it more special. but im serious hermana moya saved me. the first night in presidents house, i woke up that morning and launched into a panic attack. i told her how i didnt think i belonged here and how this is so hard. she simply said. "que te hizo pensar que la mision es dificil. la mision es lindo." and then... she showed me it is. she showed me how to learn to follow rules, but to not feel shame when i dont. she showed me how to talk to people, and to not feel bad when they dont accept me. this hermana saved me. she is my favorite companion. even tho i only get her a week!! she is also a blunt latina which i needed. "claro que si no vas a sentir despierta durante el dia so no hagas tu ejercicios en las mananas." "por que no hablas en las lecciones. se que sabes ensenar, hay que abrir to boca hermana, es tu llamamiento." but also, "por que te sientes mal, usted es muy buena misionera." "si te vas a tu casa, tu familia va a amarte todavia." "dios te entiende, y nadie mas. hay que hacer caso a el no mas."

she. saved. me.

dad, you are right. i can do this. mom, you are right, i can do this. you are all right, and THANK YOU. i hope that gradually each email will become less about my health and more about the work. GUESS WHAT!! i didnt have a panic attack for three days in a row. and when i had them, i talked myself down, and went back to work. I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also. CHANGES!!! i am going to the most rich area in the mission. and seriously... EVERYONE talks about this area. a million americans, and the hermanas house is apparently HUGE!! everyone talks about it. ahahahaha. i am going to be with hermana allegre from peru. it should be a good change and my spanish should improve more !!!

i am gonna talk more about my awesome week in my group email. love you all!!!! HURRAH POR ISRAEL!!!!!!